I have also wondered about how tight to make these bolts. I considered two things, the axle spinning freely, and also if the bearing should be able to rotate in the cassette when the axle flexes. No idea what matters or what’s right, but I tightened them as much as I could before they started to make the axle spin less free.
To adjust the preload on the bearing and also tighten the bolt as much as I wanted, I used thin washers/shims between the two halves of the cassette. This takes a couple tries to adjust it how you want it, but after that you have nothing to worry about and you can just put regular nylock nuts on.